What the Fuck? Over.
What the fuck? Over. How did I end up here?
“Here” is the Tijuana, Mexico airport on Thursday, February 1, 2024 at 0600 hours waiting to board a one-way flight to Mexico City, what Mexicans refer to as CDMX - Ciudad de Mexico. What possessions I haven’t offloaded have been put into storage, my car sold just two days ago. My life now carried in a 90 liter duffel bag, a 45 liter carry on, and a fanny pack (don’t judge me). I’ve checked out. Gone walkabout. I’m going to travel full-time until I die or find a place that I never want to leave.
On November 10, 2023 - Happy Birthday Marines - I had been happily married to a woman I adored, working full-time at a job I enjoyed, part of a community I loved, surrounded by an ever expanding circle of close friends.
And then, on November 11th, I wasn’t.
Life is like that sometimes. One day, one hour, one minute you’re doing a thing. Then out of the blue - sometimes with one single sentence - circumstances change and suddenly you are not. If the Marines and my 24 year career as a Deputy Sheriff taught me anything, it was to be flexible. Improvise, adapt, and overcome.
Simple. But not easy.
When I retired from the San Diego Sheriff’s Department in March of 2017, world travel was the plan. My dad and my uncle had been on the road since 2012. I was fascinated. I would have to wait a year or so until my youngest graduated highschool, but I was in.
I told myself three very specific things:
You will not stay in the U.S.
You will not fall in love and decide to stay.
You will not work full-time again. Ever.
By November 11, 2023, I had done all three. Fear of the unknown in that I would be traveling solo? Certainly. The self-sabotage of an anxiously attached, codependent, retired cop with mommy abandonment issues? Probably.
I sound like the last six years sucked. Far from it. I found a love I won’t soon (if ever) find again; I had great adventures, went on great trips, heard awesome music; opened my heart to God; made great friends and found a supportive community. I made a lot of headway in my personal growth. I’ve figured a lot of shit out. We may not always know what we DO want, but if we can figure out what we DON’T want, that’s more than half the battle.
So it’s time for the Shawn Show again. What I want, when I want, where I want, who I want, how long I want, how short I want, as much as I want, as little as I want.
What the fuck I want. Over.
